"Jesus Christ. Never have i seen a bigger bunch of cunts in one place" - Alan Holt
Now i'm going to start this latest post with a story from a few years back. It was around the time when the country would be glued to the screen for a few months in summer time watching the latest bunch of feckless people in the Big Brother house. It started one friday night in the pub. Myself and a mate of mine called Alan Holt had been having a few well earned pints after another week of hard graft. We started talking about the utter wankers that had been on Big Brother in the past. Surely they couldn't be the so called 'Real People' that they said would be entering the house. The chat continued with "What would it be like if you entered that house with these 'People'? As the day after would be the audition for that summers Big Brother in Manchester i decided to go over and have a crack at getting in the house. Alan decided to come over and see what was going to happen. On arriving at Manchester Victoria station we crossed the road and walked over to the building that was going to have the auditions. We were greeted with what can only be described as a bunch of wannabe wankers. Already we could tell that these people were not the type of people that we would not get on with. Standing at the back of line after a night on the beer was not how we wanted to spend our saturday morning. I think Alan lasted about 10 minutes before saying "Fuck this mate, i'm going to get some breakfast." This left me alone with the rest of the morons. Trying not to make eye contact with with those around was hard work. It then hit me that i was surrounded by people that i would never have anything to do with in real life as in all honesty it isn't is it. "What are you going into the Big Brother house for" was one of the questions asked by some pillock who had travelled down from Scotland. My reply was "I fancy a summer off work and the £100000 prize money." On hearing this he looked as if i told him that i want to kill him. Well i did really as he kept whooping along with the other cretins. What he then said puzzled me. "I'm going to go into the Big Brother house and show the world my singing and the real me." Why? Who wants to see the real side to a complete stranger? What does that actually mean when people say "I want to show people the real me?" It's like people who travel and say "I'm off to find myself." Dickheads. Anyway, Alan returned and i ended up getting nearer and nearer to the audition process. It got to the point when we were both stood in the main hall watching what was going on. Groups had to be formed and you had to tell someome two different things about yourself for that person to tell the Big Brother People. Alan had to leave at this poiunt as on being asked "Are you here to auditon?" he said "Am i fuck" so he went outside for a cig. I can't remember the girls name who i was with but i know she had blonde hair and was from Bristol. She told me that she was once caught giving a blow job to some lad by her dad and some other crap that i can't recall. It was now my turn. "So what are the two things that you are going to tell me?" "Well i once got locked in a McDonalds toilet and shit my pants and i have been banned from watching football for the past 2 years." She looked at me like i was a mental. Not far off really. This was then announced to the group by this bird when the Big Brother people asked for the tales to be told. At this point the big brother types debated for about a minute and then told us to stand in a line. "If your name is called out step forward." I was thinking "Train home and pub." My name was called out. "What the fuck" was my next thought as no one else's name was called out. "This can't be right" i thought as i was ushered down a long corridor for my interview with more Big Brother types. At this point Alan was still outside. I recall him saying "I was stood outside mate and spotted your group coming down the stairs but you wasn't with them." He asked the girl who was next to us in the line and she told him "That your mate has been put through." From what i remember him saying after hearing this, his words were "What a fucking dickhead." I ended up speaking to some tv types in a darkened room with a tv camera stuck in my face answering questions about chocolate knickers being classed as proper food and other bollocks like that. I didn't get through in the end as my "I'm only entering for the money and time off work" quote didn't go down well with the interviewer. They really are after the dickheads that we see on our screens. Probably a blessing that i didn't continue on my Big Brother journey. They aren't real people and spending 3 months in house with those fools would be unbearable. Yes the time off of work and the prize money would be great but give me real life people over those pillocks all the time. Big Brother, Big Bollocks.
"The Gruesome Katie Price heaps shame on us all." - Jim Shelley
Now i'm going to start on the type of 'Celebrity' that these cretins look up to and are inspired by. Katie Price otherwise known as Jordan. "Signed by Katie Price!" will be the cry, followed by "What were people thinking!?" This new offering from 'Pricey' follows her searching to sign some foolish berk "to her new management" firm, whilst being oblivious to the fact that none of the morons have an ounce of talent. Hearing her condemn some poor witless bint with the sentence "You look far too cheap" is fucking hilarious coming from a woman constructed from boob jobs and plastic surgery in layers of fake tan. How this woman keeps appearing on tv is becoming more of a joke that is now actually quite sad. It's like that Kerry Katona figure of fun that keeps appearing. It is like a freak show that just won't go away. You don't want to keep reading and watching what these pillocks are doing but you can't get enough of seeing them fail. Signed by Katie Price may be one of the worst tv shows ever made for the vacuous, vain and deluded. The fact we live in a society that celebrates them should make us all feel ashamed.
"Quality, of course, has never been the point of the X-Factor." - Ally Ross
The x-factor for me is what is wrong with music these days. A global phenomenon that is slowly but surely spreading out across the world. Cowell is like a modern day Hitler but with crap singers attacking our hearing instead of Nazi stormtroopers destroying eastern european villages. Love him or hate him, the man knows how to make a few quid with at best average singers. Look at those two irish prats jedward. He's made a fucking fortune! Bastard. Now i have to admit that i have watched a few of the new series so far. Forget the music. Kelly Rowland is a right sort. She is also the blackest woman in the world with her deep south ways. "Put it down!" I only wish she was shouting "Put them Down!" to half of the so called singers on the stage. The quality of the singing has never been the point of the x-factor though has it. If you are like me then you will only watch the crap to find a figure that can become the focus for your hatred. Same with both of the topics above. I watch them so i can sit and basically shout 'Cunt' at the tv. If the contestants could sing then i would gladly sit through it without abusing them and give a valid opinion on their singing ability. The bastards can't though. What gets me is when the national papers report that "Nearly 2million have switched off" like it's important news. Here is an idea. Maybe they have had enough of shite tv and music and decided to watch the history channel and actually fucking learn something instead of being fed this bollocks every year. One thing is for certain though. This manufactured bollocks will never replace real music. You only have to go to music festivals to see that the guitar is still king. Cowell and his cronies can do whatever he wants, but the music that we love will never be replaced by his shite. Instead of looking for "The next big international recording artist", try looking for an international class mentallist. Now that would be a lot more fun.
